"Alright, Rob Zombie. That's Better."
*SUBMITTED BY: Me, because kicking off our 31 Days of Horror binge-watching with a brand new Horror flick called 31 sounded perfect.
Here's the thing: I truly think that Rob Zombie is a one-note filmmaker who peaked with The Devil's Rejects. The guy's got vision, and he's definitely got a unique and compelling visual style, but man the dude can't write to save his life.
Zombie really needs to direct a movie that someone else wrote and conceptualized, and he needs to leave his wife out of it. I've said it before, and it still stands.
I loved House of 1000 Corpses, even though it was far from perfect; and I truly think that The Devil's Rejects is a modern-day classic. Since then though, he's had a run of films that have gotten gradually worse.
Halloween (Review HERE) was a good remake of a classic film that was almost impossible to remake. He did more right with this one than he did wrong. Halloween 2 (Review HERE) was so shitty that it made me physically angry. It was this movie that really showed Zombie's flaws, and in a big way. The Retarded World of El Superbeasto (Review HERE) was painfully bad. Great animation, but everything else about it was shit. The Lords of Salem (Review HERE) was an incoherent mess that felt more like a self-masturbatory project than it did a movie.
Looking back, maybe it was Bill Moseley and Sid Haig that made his first two efforts so damned entertaining. I don't know.
So being that we've gone from fans of Rob Zombie's movies to absolute haters over the course of his 6-film career, we didn't expect much at all from 31. I'm happy to say that while he still sucks a s a writer, that 31 is his best movie since Halloween, and we really liked it for the most part.
On Halloween, 1976, a gang of raunchy carnies are heading through the remote countryside in a Winnebago when they're attacked by some guys in striped pajamas. Everyone is killed except for Charly, Panda, Roscoe, Venus, and Peter Periwinkle, who are taken to some old warehouse complex, chained up, and forced to play a game called 31 by an old dude and two old chicks who are dressed like Olde English Aristocrats, wigs and all.
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| WHAT ARE THEY ON ABOUT? |
Every year, these aristocrats (Father Murder, Sister Serpent, and Sister Dragon) kidnap a gang of losers, and force them to survive for 12 hours while being hunted by maniacal killers called Heads. Not sure why any of this happens, or what the moniker of "Heads" mean, but then neither is the guy who wrote the movie, so, moot point.
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| AND WHY ARE THEY CLOWNS? |
So, the game of 31 begins with a midget clown dressed in Nazi gear named Sick Head. Then we get Crazy-Head and Zany-Head, two chainsaw-wielding bothers who are pretty adamant about fucking all of Charly's holes. Then come the super-tall German dude in a tutu, Death Head, and his tiny girlfriend, Sex-Head. When all of these heads prove to be inefficient at killing the carnies, Doom-Head gets the call, and everyone is fucked.
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| YEAH, THIS GUY MEANS BUSINESS. |
The single thing that made me really dig this movie was Richard Brake. His performance as Doom-Head was brilliant. It was a bit over-the-top thanks to some of the dialogue that Rob Zombie wrote for him, but holy hell was he ever an excellent villain. He opens the movie with a bang, and when he shows up later on to begin the final hunt, he owns every minute of runtime until the credits roll. I would honestly love seeing a sequel about the exploits of Doom-Head. The dude owned this movie.
Gotta say I liked the way it ended too.
Seeing E.G. Daily on-screen again, especially in such a sexy & sinister role, was great too. In the 80's, she was an adorable little pixie who had supporting roles in a bunch of movies that we loved, and she's still got that special thing about her.
31 also excels in the gore department.
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| THE REST OF THE CAST WAS SOLID IN THIS ONE TOO. |
Up until the carnies get attacked and kidnapped by the dudes in the striped pajamas, it was business as usual for this Rob Zombie movie: Bad dialogue, swearing for swearing's sake, bad dialogue, trashy characters with silly names, bad dialogue...
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| THAT NAPKIN THAT SHERRI MOON IS WEARING WAS PRETTY COOL THOUGH. |
Where do these names come from? Schizo-Head? Psycho-Head? Sex-Head? Venus Virgo? Panda?
Come on, man. Do you know how stupid that shit sounds?
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| AND WHAT'S WITH THOSE DASTARDLY, OLD-TIMEY GOONS! |
Lots and lots of bloody goodness throughout this one to make Gorehounds smile.
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| THAT GIRL TAKES A BEATING... |
There's some nudity in this one, including an appearance by 80's Porn superstar, Ginger Lynn.
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| AND SEX-HEAD WAS SUPER CUTE. |
There's plenty not to like about 31, and if you're not a fan of Rob Zombie's movies, then you pretty much already know what those things are, but he's made a step back towards the good side of the film-making fence with this one. For me, it's worth seeing for Richard Brake's performance alone, but it's got enough going for it to make it worthwhile overall.
It's definitely worth a rental.
C+ or B-. Not sure which. Either way, 3 heads out of 5.
31 is available now on VOD.
The ladies of 31.
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